Arella Daisy

I wanted to write down our sweet baby girl’s story before any details might fade. It’s a tender one, so read with caution, especially if you’re expecting . 

January 22nd, 2024, we found out we were pregnant again  after 12 months of trying for another sweet baby. It hadn’t taken that long to get pregnant before, and every month felt like a year awaiting a positive test. It was the week after we were severely sick with influenza B, and 3 days after my birthday. After coming out of the fever and sick fog, I realized my period was late. I took a test, assuming it would be negative (I had spotted mid week the week before and was sure my period was imminent), and it was positive. I took a few more to be sure! And they were all positive. Cue the tears and shock and disbelief. It finally was happening! And my mind started thinking of how I would tell my hubby the news after he got off work. Berringer and I snapped a few photos , which was fun because he didn’t know what any of it meant! Haha still my little secret, shared with the ‘big brother’ who didn’t understand any of it yet. 

Nick was so shocked and so happy. I had to tell him in whispers since I lost my voice after being sick, but we shared tears of pure joy and awe of the little long-awaited life already growing. 

Fast forward to mid February, when we got to breathe a sigh of relief after my ultrasound and seeing her precious heartbeat. The ultrasound tech pointed out a little subchorionic hematoma, a little blister pocket she explained could cause some bleeding at some point, or my body could absorb it. (We’ll talk more about this later.). 

Early March, after 10 weeks, we told our kids and our immediate families. Ainsley made cute little notes to share the news with everyone, including me! Haha. They were so happy, but especially Ainsley - she started telling her teachers and friends at school about her new baby coming in the fall. 

Mid March, I had my 12 week visit and got to hear another perfect heartbeat on the doppler . Watching my baby bump grow was so sweet. 

A couple weeks later, I noticed a tiny amount of spotting. I told myself, “it’s ok - it’s the hematoma”. Days passed with nothing else, then a little more spotting. The day before Easter, I had a little spotting again and began asking close friends for prayers for my peace of mind. 

Easter afternoon, our neighbor came over and took a few baby announcement photos on our backyard. The kids got to wear the shirts we bought online, “big brother”, “big sister again”, and “seriously, I’m the last one” onesie for this sweet babe . Later in the week, I was looking forward to sharing the photos with the caption I drafted, to tell everyone about our newest little love. 

The next morning, a couple days shy of 15 weeks along, I woke up with more than just spotting. And cramping too. I called the midwife nurse and she said it could still be the hematoma, but if bleeding or cramping get worse, head to the ER. 

I prayed alongside my prayer warriors that she (we had known for a week that she was a girl, only Nick and I knew ) was safe and sound; it was just the hematoma resolving itself. 

That afternoon and evening, bleeding and cramping continued, and I started seeing some small clots. Late evening, I was googling what's normal for hematomas and saw where some had even large clots, so I was trying to stay calm and believe it was the hematoma. 

By 11pm, I told Nick - “ok, the bleeding and cramping are definitely worse”, and we prayed. Nick drifted to sleep, as I tried to sleep too. But my cramps woke me up every 10 minutes and by 12:30, I was in nonstop pain and cramping and woke Nick up. I had never had such intense pain, was nauseas, needed crackers, water and was on the toilet with so much bleeding. He was helping bring me things I needed. 

I was catching clots to assess their size (to tell my providers, if needed), and at 1:15am April 2nd, our sweet baby was delivered into my hands. I sobbed, telling Nick, "it’s the baby". The sobbing ensued as we realized our fear was coming to fruition. Through tears, we memorized her features, in awe of her. Her eyes, nose, mouth, tiny fingers and toes, and my favorite, her little belly button. The most perfect details on the tiniest life, fitting easily into my palm. I knew I needed photos of our baby so took photos and videos to have and to hold forever. We were numb in these moments. 

Not long after, I started dripping with sweat, though I wasn’t feeling hot or cold. I started trembling, my face went white and I had no strength to sit or stand. I laid limply on the bathroom floor, and told Nick I didn’t feel ok. We thought maybe I lost too much blood and he quickly called our neighbor (who just took our announcement photos the day before) to come over to oversee the monitor for our kids so we could go to the ER. 

I was genuinely scared and everything quickly flipped from being about the baby to making sure I was ok. 

Once in the ER, they analyzed everything and found my blood loss was ok, thankfully. I was still dilated (which was weird to think - all that pain was my body laboring and delivering our girl). They gave me meds to help my cervix close again, and suctioned out what was left in my empty womb  . Afterward, I needed to use the restroom so Nick wheeled me in (I was using a wheelchair since I was so weak) and I passed out before we got to the toilet. All I remember was feeling like I was in a dark room and hearing a man yelling, "help", as I woke up, I realized it was Nick yelling for the nurse after I had slumped forward and wasn't responding to him. It was truly pretty traumatic for us, after just losing our baby, not sure why my body was acting so weird and not sure if I was even ok. My body seemed to be in shock and it was pretty scary feeling so out of control of what was happening. 

As I got fluids and started to feel a bit more stable, the staff was really helpful. The ER doc told me I was the 3rd miscarriage he'd seen that night. 

We were discharged hours later at 7:30am, after the longest sleepless night, empty handed and still in a numb heartbreak + shock. 

Nick handled logistics of getting the kids to school (thanks to my dad for coming over to relieve our neighbor and getting the kids ready for school, on the heels of him learning the devastating news too). I showered, and we slept for a few hours. When I woke up, I sobbed again, hoping it had all been a terrible nightmare, but waking to realize it really happened. 

That week felt so raw. Like I had a gaping open wound in my chest that surely everyone could see. 

How were we supposed to go about normal life despite what just happened? We cried together every night, processing the trauma, loss and grief. 

We told our kids and Ainsley cried, having been so excited about this baby. When we told her it was a girl, the tears intensified, as she wanted a sister so badly. 

In the midst of that conversation, Ainsley said maybe it’s good, because that means she’s in heaven, “and that’s the best place to be”. Her wise nuggets helped my own grief, the faith of a child. She said I bet she’s here now, as an angel, sitting on daddy’s shoulder”. And I needed to think of our baby as near, not far. I clung to her wisdom that night. 

That’s where we got Arella from, it means Angel. Our girl was born an angel and the first face she got to see was Jesus’. 

Daisy is her birth flower (April), and daisies are such happy flowers, like the joy she brought us. 

The day after we told the kids, Ainsley's teacher sent this photo of her work - sweet girl processing her feelings at school. Her picture is of her and I hugging and crying. 

We will forever have a space in our hearts reserved for her, and not a day goes by we don’t think of and miss our girl. I’ll forever think of who she would’ve been, and wish so badly I could kiss her newborn head in late September/early October. 

Thank you for reading and supporting us through this season. The meals, prayers, cards and flowers we received brought such warmth to such numb days.  The hospital did testing and couldn't identify any reasons of what may happened with Arella. Her body looked so perfect. Processing it all with the midwives later (at what was supposed to be my 16 week appt, that I kept just to talk though everything that happened), we couldn't pinpoint anything either. It's hard not knowing if my body went into preterm labor or something with her just wasn't growing properly. The ER doctor had said typically at that gestation, it could be that her heart or brain or an organ just wasn't able to function properly. But we'll never know, which is tough too. Whatever the reason, she left a permanent place on all of our hearts and we will long for her forever. Also knowing we will see her again in Heaven. 

Sharing her story is like therapy. And for my heart, I want her to be known. I don’t want her memory to only exist in whispers. She is and was so real. I held her in my hands and witnessed every detail of her miraculous creation and don’t want her to be a forgotten secret. That’s why I plant daisies, crochet them, buy things with daisies on them. I pressed many flowers we received and made a frame of them. I want tangible reminders of this sweet life. Ainsley often sees things with daisies on them and thinks of her sister too. 

 

Arella Daisy, we’ll love you forever and ever, and ever, baby girl. 

Hello from a Busy House!

 I'm rarely on this little page these days, but had to hop on to pay a visit to a place I used to love sharing about our lives, until Instagram came along, really! Haha. Instagram became the place that's easier to share, but had to share a few recent photos while I was here. 

We're busy with two kids learning and growing daily, in a newer season with me staying home while Nick works from home. It's a well used house these days! 

As spring approaches, we have enthusiasm to start our flower garden and very first vegetable garden and dream of what the year might have in store. 

I've been participating in my local MOPS (mother's of preschoolers) group and have enjoyed meeting so many other great moms. 

Halloween Oct 2021 (Bear wearing Ainsley's old pumpkin costume, swoon!)

Enjoying a warmer winter day

Christmas 2021, and both kids' first time meeting Santa. Berringer cried hysterically one second after I snapped this pic ;) Ainsley was so sweet and felt so proud telling Santa what she wanted for Christmas. 

Florida for a girls trip!

The best time with these girls. 

Snow! In Texas! So fun. 

Berringer's first snow. He's yelling "HI!" to his sister inside the house:)

Happy Spring, y'all! 
-Marissa

Berringer's Birth Story: Friday, November 13, 2020

I wrote this post about 9 months ago! And on his first birthday, I guess it's time to hit publish to celebrate this sweet boy. Tons of photos are at the end, but there are a lot of words first ;). 

The first pic of my guy. He's not so sure what just happened. 

 

February 2021 -- I'm here to jot down details of Berringer's birth before I forget them. It was another eventful birth! (Why aren't my births like the ones on "a baby story"?! Lol). But so thankful for a healthy baby and healing in the weeks since delivery. 

My pregnancy was uneventful. I had more morning sickness this time until about 16 weeks, then was uncomfortable from 24 weeks on with pelvic pain and such. In the 3rd trimester, my belly skin was so stretched it burned and was painful! I wasn't sleeping well and was definitely in pain 24/7 by the end. 

I was getting to the point where I wondered if I should just schedule an induction to not go as overdue as I did with Ainsley (41w4d). But, I also really wanted to try for as natural of a delivery as possible, depending on how quickly things may progress. I made my list of questions for my 40-week appointment and started some dinner in the crockpot I'd finish when I got home (spoiler alert - it turned out I wasn't going home anytime soon! haha). 

I went into my 40 week midwife appt (at 40w3d) not feeling very well. The night before I wasn't feeling well either, but my blood pressure looked fine on my at-home cuff. So I figured it was just being super pregnant. The day of my appt though, I was feeling crummy and off. By the time I arrived, I was feeling dizzy, my eyes felt shifty, was generally not feeling well. My blood pressure was higher than usual too. After just a few minutes of me explaining how I felt, the midwife (the same one who delivered Ainsley!) said it was time to have my baby, I wouldn't be going anywhere and she'd bring in a wheelchair to take me straight to labor + delivery. 

I cried. I wasn't expecting that at all, and it wasn't part of my birth plan! She said she knew it was a shock, but in order for me to get better, I needed to deliver the baby. I called Nick and in my choked up voice, I told him I was having the baby and he needed to get our stuff together and get to the hospital. 

He had to quickly cancel his remaining meetings for the day (he was on a call when I called and had to tell his co-worker that his super pregnant wife was calling from the doctor and he needed to take it!). We arranged for my mom to come over to stay with Ainsley, and Nick had to go grab her from school and grab our Walmart grocery pick-up order we had arranged already too. We FaceTimed so I could tell him which makeup he should bring and such to try to get together the stuff I hadn't already put in our birth bag. It felt so hectic! 

My delivery room. I took this pic in disbelief as I did some paperwork getting admitted.

I was just hanging out in L&D for a while as I got checked in. I had to get the lovely COV!D test as I checked into L&D, which didn't feel great, but was fine and thankfully was negative. They checked for protein in my urine and there was a lot, which meant I had preeclampsia. That was a game changer for how delivery would go. Nothing really happened for a few hours but I was hooked up to all the monitors and such for me and the baby. Nick arrived around 7pm (my appt was at 3:15) and I was having some contractions after she checked me. 

All "dressed up", masked up, and ready to go :) 

Once the on-call midwife came in, she said since I had higher blood pressure and protein in my urine, I'd need to be on an anti-seizure medication (magnesium sulfate). That was also a game changer for me. She said that medicine made people feel sick, but during labor many times blood pressure rises more, and they needed to make sure I wouldn't have a seizure. 

Our game plan for the induction was to go ahead and start pitocin to get the show on the road. She said "we need to get the placenta out" so I could get better. So time was of the essence! Things started slow and we increased pitocin a little at a time to watch how my contractions looked and see how much I was progressing. I got an epidural around 1am I believe. They highly recommended this to me from the beginning of my pregnancy due to my history of 4th degree tear with Ainsley, so they could help ease the baby out vs. me feeling the intense pain and pushing harder to get the baby out and re-injure that tear/scar tissue. 

Sometime during the night, my first smaller bag of waters broke. Then later, Nick was napping, I was resting (couldn't sleep, ugh!) and I needed his help grabbing something since I was hooked up to a couple IV's. So he turned on the light and came over, and saw a stream of liquid all over the floor. Having no idea what it was, we called the nurse in - she was checking the IV, catheter, lol - trying to see what this liquid was from. Then a few of them were in there including my midwife came in to check me anyway, she she knew right away as she checked me, that my water broke, and had leaked through the opening in the bed, alllllll over the floor! She said it was easily 2-3 liters of amniotic fluid! (Normal for 40weeks pregnant is 1/2 of a liter). THAT explained why my belly was so huge and skin was so painful and stretched - I had a TON of fluid in there. 

That was also exciting though, because water breaking meant a step closer to meeting this baby! And I thought it was so fun that my water broke because with Ainsley, it never broke on its own (they broke it when I was fully dilated). 

We were in contact with my doula the whole time to determine when she should come in, not knowing how long it would take to progress. Once I was 4-5cm dilated, around 3-4am, she arrived. It was a different scenario than I pictured with her since I was just in bed at this point, not able to labor around with her. But, she was still so helpful to navigate decisions and every step along the way (and when I was pregnant too). I love the support of a doula!

During the night, the effects of the magnesium were rearing their ugly head. I felt lots of hot flashes and flushed cheeks, felt like the room was spinning around me, and I nearly passed out a few times. During those episodes, I couldn't speak, look at people and felt like I was so out of it. It was not fun to say the least. 

One of the scary things that happened was when both my and the baby's heart rates dropped suddenly. Mine went from 120 to 60. All I knew was that nurses rushed in, got me on all fours (I couldn't do it myself bc of the epidural) and tried to reposition in attempt to help the baby's heart rate recover quickly. My midwife was calm & rubbed his head and our heart rates recovered. It was a scary moment, but I always think of how that little head rub showed him we were there and we were going to get through it together. In that moment, our doula also told Nick it looked like they were preparing for a c-section in case things didn't quickly turn around. <<as I type this, Bear is sleeping on my chest and I can't help but hug him tight when I type those words.>>

My midwife checked me off and on, was working my cervix a bit to help it get there. Her shift was set to be ending at 8am, but I could tell she was pretty invested and wanted to see it through with us. She had also been familiar with my protect-the-4th-degree-tear plan, and wanting to help me not have that happen again. So I think she was trying to help my body get there so she could help before she shift change. We pushed for 45 minutes. He was crowning for maybe 20 minutes y'all. We have pics of it that my doula took, ha! It's insane that 2-3 inches or so of his head could be seen for that long, just hanging out in my birth canal as the midwife carefully applied oil and eased my perineum. She said in the end too that my pelvis is very small/tight. (Good thing I end up having small babies, goodness!). 

Teamwork!

I vividly remember Nick telling me, "you're doing it!" and feeling like my birth team was in it with us, and feeling empowered and encouraged that I was getting this baby out! With a final push, he was out and I was so relieved and kept saying, "we did it!" to Nick, feeling all the emotions of knowing we made it, and this baby was here now!

The first pic of my guy. He's not so sure what just happened. 

All in all, labor was about 12 hours, and he was born at 8:14am, Friday the 13th of November. Our doula even captured his birth on video, which I never realized was footage I would cherish. Our bodies, and the birthing process, is such a miracle. I had a 2nd degree tear, so was stitched up as I held my boy and reveled in his newborn snuggles. They let me hold him for what felt like a few hours until we were ready to have them take his stats (weight, height, etc). 

I had oils (joy, believe) diffusing the whole time  and had my birth playlist playing. A super neat moment was when we were pushing, there were a few nurses in the room, along with a small team who came in with a doctor - we *think* he was there in case I had another 4th degree and needed stitched. So there were maybe 8-9 people in the room as he was crowned just waiting for him to be out. A few nurses though were singing along to our worship music. I remember Lauren Daigle's song on that everyone was singing and it was a magical moment worshiping together, bringing this sweet babe into the world. 

After delivery, I had to stay on Magnesium Sulfate for 24 hours bc of preeclampsia and that was ROUGH. I couldn't eat (after delivering a baby. I was hungry). I couldn't walk. So I had to use a bed pan , which is uniquely challenging when you can't move your lower body (because that med is an intense muscle relaxer so I couldn't bear weight). I felt sick, couldn't move much, it was frustrating. My eyes felt dizzy, kept having blood pressure issues. My baby was wonderful but I was struggling in my own body. I stayed an extra day in the hospital because I had "sea legs" where I really struggled walking and getting around those first few days due to that magnesium sulfate. 

Fast forward to a week later, I was still feeling off and dizzy spells, and was readmitted to the hospital for high blood pressure. It was 170/90 when I got admitted, which was scary - I'd never seen a number like that before. I had to stay two nights away from my one week old baby, and it was painful to be away from him. I sobbed before leaving his side at home. But cov!d protocols prevented him from being able to come with me. Nick had to go get formula, while I pumped around the clock. My dad stayed at the hospital with me, because I was scared to be alone there, and Nick took care of our kids while all praying my blood pressure issues would cease. I got on medication and thankfully it got better. I was on blood pressure medication for another few months. 

My blonde hair + blue eyed boy! Such a surprise since Nick, Ainsley and I have darker hair and eyes. 

I cherish the pics of Nick with our babies in the middle of the night like this. Sweet daddy. I couldn't get out of bed the first 24 hrs after delivery, so he was on duty and so helpful. 

I hadn't slept in like a day and a half here. And had on days old makeup, ha!
But in heaven with these snuggles. 

6lbs 7oz of sweetness

Getting in my million kisses a day. 

Meeting big sister Monday morning! 

Family pic <3. And that postpartum belly, a few days after delivery. 

The sweetest Christmas season, snuggling a new gift from God. 

6.5 weeks old! Growing so fast. 8lb 14oz and filling out so much!

We love you SO MUCH, Berringer Dean. You are worth all the work of bringing you into the world. 

Love you always & forever,  

Mommy

Young Living FAVES Lately

Happy Thursday, friends!

I wanted to hop in here and tell you about some of my favorite Young Living products lately. It's no secret I love and use their products in pretty much every area of our life - laundry, hair, oils, sleep, hormones, muscles, supplements, what am I missing? Ha. - And know many of you are interested in non-toxic products too, so I wanted to share a few I'm especially enjoying lately. 

This essential oil infused acne spot cream is new to me - I just got it for the first time last month, and I've been LOVING it to apply to certain ornery spots that need to be zapped. I notice they typically will begin drying out once I apply it which is perfect. I try to apply a couple times a day on especially tricky spots. I also will use it along the pores on the sides of my nose and on my chin to reduce the appearance of blackheads and such. So glad I decided to try it! 

I've been focusing on supporting my hormones lately and these have been favorites! Pro + is such a gem in this area of regulating hormones, and the others are in Dragon Time (which I'm currently out of!), so I've been using them a few days before my period begins to help ease the cramping. The entire Dragon Time line is amazing for us ladies and our cycles! 

Believe has been a favorite blend of mine for quite some time. I used it a lot during my pregnancy with Ainsley, actually! I have memories of midwives walking into my appointment room, asking when I was wearing because it smelled so good. Many days, it was believe! Or believe + patchouli, a combo I love. Anyway, the blend of oils can help encourage feelings of strength and faith which is super timely for this season for me (after being laid off last month). As an enneagram 6, it's a great blend for most seasons for me really! I LOVE it. And it smells amazing. 

It has: Balsam, Coriander, Bergamot, Frankincense, Idaho Blue spruce, Ylang ylang, and Geranium. See? Heavenly, I'm telling you. 

NingXia Red is a MUST for us. Nick has used it regularly all winter and has made it through so many rounds of all of his co-workers being sick, except for him. This immune boosting powerhouse is a must-order every other month for us! Ainsley is a huge fan too since it is so yummy! We just take 1/2 shot glass (about 1oz) a day since it is so power-packed. A little goes a long way. 

A note about wellness too - I didn't start by diving into EVERYthing at once. You just have to start somewhere. It's also been YEARS of trying and learning and experimenting. We would replace one item at a time in out house on our journey to use clean products. It doesn't have to be overwhelming, I promise. Just start somewhere, one step at a time! 

If you've been using these products for a while, I would love to hear your favorites lately! Even after 5.5 years of receiving MONTHLY shipments of these goodies, there are still so many more things I have yet to try. So I would love to hear your suggestions! 

I hope y'all have a wonderful day! 

Be well, my friends! 
-Marissa