Saturday, January 5, 2019

The Hardest (but sweetest) Year of my Life

Hey y'all! I wrote this post back in October (after Ainsley had just turned one!) and finally dusted off this blog to post it in case it resonates with one of you. I can see how far I've come even since writing this. IT GETS BETTER, my friends! {Shoutout to my friends who have told me this a MILLION times and I appreciate it every time!} HUGS from one mama to another! 

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It’s been foreverrrrrr since I’ve written on this blog. Do people even read blogs anymore?! Haha. Well I know at least my dad will (hi dad!). Either way, it’s a good way for me to process my thoughts- so here we go. This last year has been the hardest year of my life. By far! I’ve always known I wanted to be a mom. But I truly didn’t know how HARD it would be. I’ve had a LOT of anxiety this last year too, by far more than I ever had prior to being a mom. Maybe it’s hormones?! Or maybe just being responsible for a whole tiny little life that consumes my mind. 

Precious tiny newborn and TIRED mama eyes. 

Those first few months of interrupted sleep were ROUGH. This mama doesn’t handle not sleeping well. I also thought things would be so much easier in the next phase she would get to. And it some ways, it was, but in other ways it wasn’t. It seems each phase has its good parts and hard parts, so I need to stop waiting for the next phase to enjoy it. I need to remind myself to enjoy the present, because time is moving forward and we’ll never be in this moment again. 

Those first few months were so hard but I look back, and wish I somehow could’ve paused to enjoy it a little more. I loved my girl, but I didn’t love that phase. Part of it was probably due to healing from a horrible 4th degree tear. I couldn't sit for 3 months - it was awful! (Here is her birth story if you missed it!). I even asked my BFF's (all moms of 2+ kids) somewhere in that first week of being home if people really LIKE being a mom. Because it sure wasn't very fun in those moments! Haha. I was in rough shape y'all. Painful clogged ducts as my milk came in, NOT sleeping much at all, no appetite (hello crazy high anxiety which caused me to not even care about food), and the worst "injury" of my life where I had to take hydrocodone for over a week. Which if you know me, you know I usually avoid meds at all costs. That pain was awful. Sitting on the toilet & getting out of bed were serious endeavors. Not exactly the "beautiful" or picture-perfect entrance into motherhood I was anticipating! 

I’ve learned as the months go by, that I can’t wish away every phase. This is it! This is my baby being a baby and it only happens once. As hard as it is, I want to be present and soak it up because it is flying by faster than I ever thought time went.

More tired mama eyes with newborn Ainsley

I think as a first time mom, it feels like each phase is going to last FOREVER but then I blink and we’re onto the next one. So then I get sad about my baby growing up so fast but I feel like I hardly paused to enjoy it before it vanished. Ugh. Oh, being a mama. Then we just started daycare and that’s been a whole other thing. A different schedule, new people, different rules, etc. the days I’m home with her can be hard (she’s a busy girl these days), but I miss her when she’s at daycare. It makes me feel like a crazy lady. Which maybe I just am now?! Haha. 

I feel like I google something different every day. New questions/concerns/things filling my busy brain. I love my girl with a deep love that hurts, don’t get me wrong. It’s been the most FULL year of my life. Full of love, experiences, snuggles, but also tons of overwhelming info to figure out how to raise a human. Next up is figuring out how to raise a GOOD human, hopefully. Haha. All this to say, if you’re an overwhelmed mama surviving each day, you’re not alone! 

Surviving each day, but trying to enjoy it and soak up the snuggles while we can. Hugs to all of you mamas out there. This is NOT an easy gig! Cheers to more date nights, solo shopping outings and lots of coffee. I will say, since she turned one and we finished nursing (and pumping - let the angels sing that WE'RE DONE PUMPING!), I've gotten to feel more like ME again, and the anxiety is definitely not as bad as it was her first year (she's almost 16 months now). 

Do things to help you feel like YOU again, mamas. It's not easy but you will enjoy it so much. And the better you feel, the better mama and wife you will be too. So take a little time AWAY for you. Talking to myself here too! Haha. It's good for us. Sending hugs and love to all you mamas!!

Xoxo! You got this, mama! 

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