I wanted to write down our sweet baby girl’s story before any details might fade. It’s a tender one, so read with caution, especially if you’re expecting .
January 22nd, 2024, we found out we were pregnant again after 12 months of trying for another sweet baby. It hadn’t taken that long to get pregnant before, and every month felt like a year awaiting a positive test. It was the week after we were severely sick with influenza B, and 3 days after my birthday. After coming out of the fever and sick fog, I realized my period was late. I took a test, assuming it would be negative (I had spotted mid week the week before and was sure my period was imminent), and it was positive. I took a few more to be sure! And they were all positive. Cue the tears and shock and disbelief. It finally was happening! And my mind started thinking of how I would tell my hubby the news after he got off work. Berringer and I snapped a few photos , which was fun because he didn’t know what any of it meant! Haha still my little secret, shared with the ‘big brother’ who didn’t understand any of it yet.
Nick was so shocked and so happy. I had to tell him in whispers since I lost my voice after being sick, but we shared tears of pure joy and awe of the little long-awaited life already growing.
Fast forward to mid February, when we got to breathe a sigh of relief after my ultrasound and seeing her precious heartbeat. The ultrasound tech pointed out a little subchorionic hematoma, a little blister pocket she explained could cause some bleeding at some point, or my body could absorb it. (We’ll talk more about this later.).
Early March, after 10 weeks, we told our kids and our immediate families. Ainsley made cute little notes to share the news with everyone, including me! Haha. They were so happy, but especially Ainsley - she started telling her teachers and friends at school about her new baby coming in the fall.
Mid March, I had my 12 week visit and got to hear another perfect heartbeat on the doppler . Watching my baby bump grow was so sweet.
A couple weeks later, I noticed a tiny amount of spotting. I told myself, “it’s ok - it’s the hematoma”. Days passed with nothing else, then a little more spotting. The day before Easter, I had a little spotting again and began asking close friends for prayers for my peace of mind.
Easter afternoon, our neighbor came over and took a few baby announcement photos on our backyard. The kids got to wear the shirts we bought online, “big brother”, “big sister again”, and “seriously, I’m the last one” onesie for this sweet babe . Later in the week, I was looking forward to sharing the photos with the caption I drafted, to tell everyone about our newest little love.
The next morning, a couple days shy of 15 weeks along, I woke up with more than just spotting. And cramping too. I called the midwife nurse and she said it could still be the hematoma, but if bleeding or cramping get worse, head to the ER.
I prayed alongside my prayer warriors that she (we had known for a week that she was a girl, only Nick and I knew ) was safe and sound; it was just the hematoma resolving itself.
That afternoon and evening, bleeding and cramping continued, and I started seeing some small clots. Late evening, I was googling what's normal for hematomas and saw where some had even large clots, so I was trying to stay calm and believe it was the hematoma.
By 11pm, I told Nick - “ok, the bleeding and cramping are definitely worse”, and we prayed. Nick drifted to sleep, as I tried to sleep too. But my cramps woke me up every 10 minutes and by 12:30, I was in nonstop pain and cramping and woke Nick up. I had never had such intense pain, was nauseas, needed crackers, water and was on the toilet with so much bleeding. He was helping bring me things I needed.
I was catching clots to assess their size (to tell my providers, if needed), and at 1:15am April 2nd, our sweet baby was delivered into my hands. I sobbed, telling Nick, "it’s the baby". The sobbing ensued as we realized our fear was coming to fruition. Through tears, we memorized her features, in awe of her. Her eyes, nose, mouth, tiny fingers and toes, and my favorite, her little belly button. The most perfect details on the tiniest life, fitting easily into my palm. I knew I needed photos of our baby so took photos and videos to have and to hold forever. We were numb in these moments.
Not long after, I started dripping with sweat, though I wasn’t feeling hot or cold. I started trembling, my face went white and I had no strength to sit or stand. I laid limply on the bathroom floor, and told Nick I didn’t feel ok. We thought maybe I lost too much blood and he quickly called our neighbor (who just took our announcement photos the day before) to come over to oversee the monitor for our kids so we could go to the ER.
I was genuinely scared and everything quickly flipped from being about the baby to making sure I was ok.
Once in the ER, they analyzed everything and found my blood loss was ok, thankfully. I was still dilated (which was weird to think - all that pain was my body laboring and delivering our girl). They gave me meds to help my cervix close again, and suctioned out what was left in my empty womb . Afterward, I needed to use the restroom so Nick wheeled me in (I was using a wheelchair since I was so weak) and I passed out before we got to the toilet. All I remember was feeling like I was in a dark room and hearing a man yelling, "help", as I woke up, I realized it was Nick yelling for the nurse after I had slumped forward and wasn't responding to him. It was truly pretty traumatic for us, after just losing our baby, not sure why my body was acting so weird and not sure if I was even ok. My body seemed to be in shock and it was pretty scary feeling so out of control of what was happening.
As I got fluids and started to feel a bit more stable, the staff was really helpful. The ER doc told me I was the 3rd miscarriage he'd seen that night.
We were discharged hours later at 7:30am, after the longest sleepless night, empty handed and still in a numb heartbreak + shock.
Nick handled logistics of getting the kids to school (thanks to my dad for coming over to relieve our neighbor and getting the kids ready for school, on the heels of him learning the devastating news too). I showered, and we slept for a few hours. When I woke up, I sobbed again, hoping it had all been a terrible nightmare, but waking to realize it really happened.
That week felt so raw. Like I had a gaping open wound in my chest that surely everyone could see.
How were we supposed to go about normal life despite what just happened? We cried together every night, processing the trauma, loss and grief.
We told our kids and Ainsley cried, having been so excited about this baby. When we told her it was a girl, the tears intensified, as she wanted a sister so badly.
In the midst of that conversation, Ainsley said maybe it’s good, because that means she’s in heaven, “and that’s the best place to be”. Her wise nuggets helped my own grief, the faith of a child. She said I bet she’s here now, as an angel, sitting on daddy’s shoulder”. And I needed to think of our baby as near, not far. I clung to her wisdom that night.
That’s where we got Arella from, it means Angel. Our girl was born an angel and the first face she got to see was Jesus’.
Daisy is her birth flower (April), and daisies are such happy flowers, like the joy she brought us.
The day after we told the kids, Ainsley's teacher sent this photo of her work - sweet girl processing her feelings at school. Her picture is of her and I hugging and crying.
We will forever have a space in our hearts reserved for her, and not a day goes by we don’t think of and miss our girl. I’ll forever think of who she would’ve been, and wish so badly I could kiss her newborn head in late September/early October.
Thank you for reading and supporting us through this season. The meals, prayers, cards and flowers we received brought such warmth to such numb days. The hospital did testing and couldn't identify any reasons of what may happened with Arella. Her body looked so perfect. Processing it all with the midwives later (at what was supposed to be my 16 week appt, that I kept just to talk though everything that happened), we couldn't pinpoint anything either. It's hard not knowing if my body went into preterm labor or something with her just wasn't growing properly. The ER doctor had said typically at that gestation, it could be that her heart or brain or an organ just wasn't able to function properly. But we'll never know, which is tough too. Whatever the reason, she left a permanent place on all of our hearts and we will long for her forever. Also knowing we will see her again in Heaven.
Sharing her story is like therapy. And for my heart, I want her to be known. I don’t want her memory to only exist in whispers. She is and was so real. I held her in my hands and witnessed every detail of her miraculous creation and don’t want her to be a forgotten secret. That’s why I plant daisies, crochet them, buy things with daisies on them. I pressed many flowers we received and made a frame of them. I want tangible reminders of this sweet life. Ainsley often sees things with daisies on them and thinks of her sister too.
Arella Daisy, we’ll love you forever and ever, and ever, baby girl.
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